so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
