the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
