dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
