I want to have your abortion
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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