thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
we're so committed to being not committed
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
