no, he came in my armpit
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
