dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
