My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
