When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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