i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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