I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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