just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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