Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
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