The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Randomize
