Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize