Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
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