We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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