I heard we made out
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
