woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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