I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
