just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
We need to get me chipped asap
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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