just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
