I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
