meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Randomize
