I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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