...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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