you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
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