he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
