Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize