Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
