The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
