perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
