If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
