Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
