I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
