You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You are the jesus of drinking
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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