Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
