I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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