I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
