we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize