I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
