Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
