That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize