the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
