which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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