I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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