I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
