It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize