btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
