I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Even my vagina gasped.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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