i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
