The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
