Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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