3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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