watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
