So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
