She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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