when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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